the full moon brings out the crazies.
I'm so tired I don't know why I'm writing, but i do.
I just don't want to tell you.
So I'll just rant until the xanex kicks in and then
I'll probably just rant for a little longer
but non of it will make sense.
or maybe it will make more sense. hmm
happiness is so hard to find. people are deceitful and I'm too trusting
just thinking about this stuff is making me upset so I'm just going to leave it at that.
fuck you
Alright, So.
New year, new me.
I've picked up Yoga again and went back to Pole dancing classes
and want to keep it up. I've limited myself to three cigarettes a day.
No booze or weed. I got this app that calculates my intake of food and exercise which will hopefully help me loose 15 pounds.
As of right now I'm over boys but not shutting them out. Just opening myself up to the universe. Going to be more picky about who I let into my life and who can stay there.
I want to put all my focus on school and living a better life.
Hopefully this will last more than a week. Let's hope so.
I'm going to make a doctor's appointment for as soon as possible to get my stomach checked out and an appointment to the gyno. Just trying to get my body right.
I'm going to remember to take my meds regularly so I don't bust down in an episode or see shit that's not there. awesome
wish me luck
I had an incredible mind fuck yesterday at work while talking to a co worker and she just opened my eyes to why I want/date the guys that I do. Why I don't deal with emotions or affection
Growing up I had some what typical Asian parents and had to work for any attention or affection. It didn't come free. So when it comes to men, I tend to be attracted to the ones that are aloof and don't give me the time of day. That wanting to work for their attention is what I'm use to. For every guy that blows me off or aren't intrigued with me, theres a part of me that needs to have their approval. Theres that insatiable need for me to work for their affection or attention. When someone does give me affection without me having to earn it, I get very turned off and think that there is something wrong with them. Their "free" affection weirds me out and makes me very uncomfortable, because that's not something I'm use to. So here I am, feeling like a bitch because there were the few guys that gave me "free" affection and I blew them off because I didn't know what to do with that, and I'm here to say I'm sorry. It's wasn't you, It was me.
Today i learned so much about myself with the help of my co worker Lauren. I need to be sober to write this all down so soon my friends, be prepared to have your mind blowned.
Dollars and cents. Currency. Dollars have the same value. Gather enough cents it makes the value of a dollar. It's the same, but different. It's obvious that people prefer the paper, it's more convenient, it's just more convenient...
A fatal dose of Alprazolam taken on it's own can be anywhere between 100 and 1000mg, depending on the factors involved, and cause of death will likely be respiratory arrest.
I don't even know what to think anymore.
I need to get off these pills but they keep me so stable
I'm starting to think sanity isn't worth losing my passion for art.
I haven't had the feeling of a pencil in my hand for more than an hour
in a very long time and that makes me sad.
To be suicidal or to be sane
You'd think that would be an easy choice but I feel like a zombie
A happy zombie, at that but I can't produce the art that I once could.
My writing has gone down the drain, since I don't have any feelings to write down
or anything important to say for that matter.
I'm going insane in my sanity.
You asked if I'm falling for you
you say it's a simple yes or no question
simple enough, not simple at all
I hav'ent had the feeling of falling for a person in a long time
maybe i should define what falling to me is.
Recently, I've been ending a lot of relationships and I think it's for the better.
It's kind of like sorting out my closet, throwing out all the trendy shit that I can't keep for long and just keeping the staple items that I will have for a long time. Same goes with friends. I'm done with relationships/ friendships/ intimate ties that don't have substance. I use to be able to be satisfied with temporary and fleeting relationships but now, I just want stability. Ever since my last episode and the doubling of my medication.. something has changed inside me. It's not the same anymore. I'm different. The way I think, the way I act. Reasoning is slowly taking over my thought process, which is weird, because I usually act on my emotions and think about the consequences afterwards. The Devil and God are raging inside me. word.
"Each morning when I awake, I experience again a supreme pleasure- that of being Salvador Dali"
"Take me, I am the drug; Take me, I am hallucinogenic"
"What is a television apparatus to man, who has only to shut his eyes to see the most inaccessible regions of the seen and the never seen, who has only to imagine in order to pierce through walls and case all the planetary Baghdads of his dream to rise from the dust"
"Have no fear of perfection- you'll never reach it"
"I dont do drugs. I am drugs"
"Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature. Never try to correct the. On the Contrary: rationalize them thoroughly. After that, it will be possible for you to sublimate them"
