Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
,
6/22/10
9:10 PM
reminiscing about the past, I've come to the conclusion that I am a failure.
Failure to keep promises to myself and others, failure to accomplish anything worthwhile
now that i'm stable, i don't have any fire in me, everything is calm and steady in my mind,
the chaos and confusion all lost in a memory
therefore there is nothing that drives me to be better, to survive
I didn't get into the college i wanted, i ended up with not even a back up plan
just a college i applied to because i accidentally walked into their room at portfolio day
the thought of attending SAIC never even crossed my mind until I fucked up my chances at MICA and RISD.
I am a failure as a daughter, only bringing financial problems and heart ache to my parents
a genuine fuck up. I never intended to bring anyone down on my account, but just the fact that i'm here is draining all the energy and love away from the people around me
I am a failure, because the memory of me is so fleeting, so i will never make a mark in this world
When i'm in front of you i'll be your everything, I'll occupy so much of your mind capacity you'd swear you're in love with me. but the moment i leave, all the memories we've had will go with me, and i'll just be another "what was her name." i'll never be the one that's on your mind, i'll never be the one worth fighting for. I'll forever more, only be the girl that you stumbled upon and not the girl you were looking for. my thoughts are so jumbled in this post, in that way, i'm a failure too. i can't even simply communicate my feelings and thoughts in an orderly manner because i fail, i fail, i fail.
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
,
6/21/10
7:34 PM
so recap of my weekend/week
Friday- worked at raging waters and saw too many boobs i didn't want to see, made a booty call and got what i needed, yeahhh buddyyy
Saturday- Worked again, and was exhausted but went to Steph King's grad party and went to a party afterward in Hacienda and met british black and white boys and danced with Matt avelar and that got a tad bit raunchy but then again thats the way i like it :) and met kelly and allie and took them home
Sunday- worked and celebrated father's day with the family, oh how i love my family :) i love my grandparents they make me laugh and feel lovedddddd
Monday- Got worked like a mule, didn't sit for 7 hours and my eyes are burning and my feet are hella tired. i need some rest, but i'm off to the guppy house
apologies for the lack of posts, i'll start again, and start posting actually posts and pictures. give it some time
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
,
6/17/10
4:08 PM
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
,
6/16/10
10:41 PM
this is probably one of the most romantic letters ever, i love it i love it
To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things.
For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins, it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddy Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man! Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what I used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.
I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your altar.
Please keep going Courtney
for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
10:56 AM
i should really get into the habit of photographing my summer, since my mommy bought me a new camera and all, sigh, but i just keep forgetting, im pretty sure my blog would be more interesting if i did too, i swear to you i will! starting todayy, anyway im going clubbing for justines birthday party tomorrow and i haven't a clue as to what to wear... but i'll take pictures of our sluttiness tommorow.
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
,
6/14/10
10:34 PM
what do you wear clubbing?
