Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
,
1/31/10
10:52 PM
"did you hear? she has naked pictures on her blog"
maybe it's time for a new blog, or maybe just to set it on private
i mean you'd think the prank phone calls asking me to join
"slit my wrist .com" would be enough
but no, it was silly of me to assume
in my defense, i wasn't naked
i'm proud, because i'm going to do my piece on that
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
,
1/30/10
11:11 PM
DO ME A FAVOR AND STAB ME WITH A KNIFE!
HHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH
HHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAH
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
7:27 PM
i wonder if i dont put any picures in this post
will anyone actual read what i have to say?...
in a fetal position, i write to thee
in immense pain, as if my stomach was put into a blender
blend, puree
reminding myself that pain is temporary
at least physical ones are
a pathetic excuse of who you were
the past that your'e desperately trying to escape
but it clings onto you and weighs you down
a costant reminder of who you want to be
to go to the past when everything was alright
it was simple, it was safe. it was real
I was the one that brought you happiness
the butterfies in your stomach
that someone that you knew was thinking about you
when you were alone at night
i was there for you always, no jugement passed
because i understood you, i knew you inside and out
years since our end
and ive moved on, discovering who i can be without you
but for you, im lingering in the back of your head
you, desperately trying to find out what i'm about now
but i wont have it, and i love that i wasn't the only one hurt too.
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
,
1/28/10
10:36 PM
Can i just bitch once more how much being bipolar sucks? i hate feeling so crazy,
i was so sad earlier today now in happy as can be!
this is so tiring, now i feel anxious, I don't know what i'm doing,
I'm excited to get my nails done tomorrow, but driving makes me really queasy
i need to finish my drawings but I'm so distracted
My chest feels heavy with every emotion possible to human kind
and i just can't think straight, it's like riding a roller coaster blind folded.
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
,
1/27/10
9:14 PM
I love art, so why not get it embedded in my flesh... right?
anyway.. i want to do a nude self portrait
i want to be a deviant girl where people not only accept
but approve of my piercings and soon to be tattoos.
i want to feel sexy in my own skin, not trying to be something im not
i want people to want to take pictures of me and be in awe.
but that's all a silly fantasy...
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
7:46 PM
Shalom
today the i pad was released in all of it's glory and i am dying to get one of those babies in my hand. the sleek designs, the simple touch screen and the handy ness makes me want to jizz my pants. It's truly amazing what technology can do. Too bad i have a laptop that's in great condition -__- fml. call me spoiled but JUST GO TO APPLE AND LOOK AT IT! JUST LOOK!. it's beyond amazing.
anyway i'm out of it. I'm biolarly crazy my mind is jumping from one subject to another so ta ta for now....
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
,
1/25/10
9:20 PM
im in love with Duffy, i love Warick avenue i love her voice.
my sanity isn't doing too well. i need Chapstick and my septum
still hurts and its swollen, and i have it taped down at the moment
to my upper lip. so yeah it hurts and i don't feel all that well
wishing i could try a martini in a hot cocktail dress thats dripping
with a fuck me essence with every guy in the room wanting to make
mad passionate sex. i'd scan the room and pick a lover,
look each other in the eye and we'd be on the elevator
hands all over each other, consumed in a wave of pure lust
clothe off, heavy breathing, nirvana
after a good fuck,
we'll lay in bed talking about all of our hopes and dreams,
our goals we didn't achieve, talks of " i wanted to be a vet..."
after sex-ing again,
not knowing each other's name we'll leave with only the memories
we made that night, and we'll always have the perfect night with us
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
12:53 AM
I'm afraid of going to sleep tonight.
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
,
1/23/10
9:35 PM
right afterwards (i look like i have a unibrow)
me with my swag
my dress
long view
i really wish that i was more photogenic, i really look gross and and ugly, when i like to think that i look decent-ish in real life. anyway the piercing, hurt, kind of. the clamp hurt, and the needle was a hook, like a fish hook that went through my septum, it was a 14 gauge but it was kind of painful. but very manageable. now it's just swollen and so my jewelry is rising up, so i need to keep it clean, and healthy? haha i'm really distracted by chuck right now. I am full and tired to see yall later
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
1:09 AM
i think i get the loneliest when im awake in the wee hours of the morning, knowing that half the world is asleep, escaping reality for a few hours, or dreaming of their loved ones, or just something silly like sheep hopping fences.. but i'm here, rooted too firmly into the world, where i can't even use my sleep time to get away for just a second, because my mind is constantly working, conjuring up dreams that are so vivid and real that when i wake up. it's like i didn't sleep at all. My conversations with people become confusing because i don't know if what i was thinking really happened or not....
i thought about how it would feel like to have a gun to my head. like really really thought about it, and what shocked me was that it scared me. i can honestly say that i am not afraid of death, i'm afraid of what comes after. the unknown.. it's scary, it's hands down the biggest reason for my second guessing when it comes to death. I don't exactly want to be condemned to hell, the reason being, i feel like i've been living in a mini hell right now, so i wouldn't be able to take a real hell. I mean the whole point of dying is to get away from life right? I just need a place to rest. I have the numbers for the mental doctor, but i haven't called, i guess i can say that i might be afraid of getting help, and i love basking in misery, but as much as i love it, it's killing me quite quickly may i add. but yeah, a shooting myself is not an option... to messy....
i feel like i need to draw but i'm cold, and mentally tired. so heres to the internal struggle i have to make mends with. Shall i conquer another side to my drawing, or shall I dream my self into another reality!? the choice is up to YOU!
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
,
1/22/10
8:17 PM
I hate rain, its a downer!
ive been avoiding all responsibilities all day
watching chuck, eating like a famished child.
now i'm trying to refocus and get drawing but
chuck is just so intriguing
note to self-
THIS close to finishing my RISD drawing part one.
but i ran out of lead..
i hate how everyone doesn't credit people to be that seem to be different
in movies when theres a threat, the person that knows the truth but isn't all that sane
doesn't get ...... my thoughts are drifting off.....
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
,
1/20/10
9:32 PM
here
are some
i found the place where i want to die, not that its going to happen soon, but i found it today.
it's peaceful and hidden in the midst of trees and memories. I've walked and driven past it everyday as far as i can remember. it's perfect. it's also works to my advantage in many ways, i can drive into the trees and the fences, or i can hang myself on the branches. Or i can drift into a comatose state fueled by medication and alcohol. i'm still looking for a less gruesome way to die, but i'm coming up with a blank. I still have time though...
Today i watched the virgin suicides after reading more than half the book. for some reason i have this obsession with suicide, it intrigues me. Cecilia, the youngest of the sisters, knew something we all don't know. i think she was the smartest of the five, opting to die earlier so that she couldn't be scared by the cruel hands of life. but soon after her four sisters followed. Bonnie, hung herself in her pretty pretty dress, Therese got to dream into her death, Mary put her head in the oven, and Lux, my favorite gassed herself in the car with a cigarette in hand, what a classy way to die. I want to pull a Lux, enchanting heart throbs and leaving them breathless after jumping their bones for only a minuete and retreating back into her home. call me a hopeless romantic.....
the rain is giving me an excuse not to go to the gym so i haven't been "producing natural endorphins". not finding many reasons to keep living, but maybe im just being a drama queen...
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
,
1/19/10
11:52 PM
dying sounds good right about now
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
,
1/17/10
8:54 PM
Went to Art Center for Portfolio day today and it was GREAT
i can't fucking wait for college you don't even know
i'll finally be able to drink, sex, and so many more things
AND ARTTTT
mmmmmmm <3
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
,
1/13/10
8:53 PM
how im going to do my hair for prom
love it
love it love it
my idol
black eye linahhh
Today was good. English final, easy peassy!
I didn't do anything ridiculous today which is good.
After school i went to Starbucks in Diamond Bar
and there was a cute guy sitting on the couch and an empty couch next to him
so i asked if anyone was sitting there and he said no!
so i sat there and typed up my study guide while occasionally glancing at him
and i think he was doing the same.
after just sitting there idly
he went to the bathroom
i so badly wanted to write down my number and put it in his backpack but i wasnt ballsy enough
when he came back he thanked me for watching his stuff and we smiled at each other
and he left
MISSED OPPORTUNITY
then Z and Sofia came and we had a good good time.
and Z burnt her hand on my stoge. I LOVE YOU ZARINA KIRA LEVISTE
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
,
1/12/10
5:54 PM
tadday bare!
this is what i do in econ
i feel like caca. Today in second period, a strong sense of paranoia swept over me and i felt like everyone was talking about me. I was pretty scared and about to call my brother but i somehow calmed down from it. As the day progressed, I found myself on a crazy emotional roller coaster. Blurting out that i am bipolar to my classmates and random friends out of pure adrenaline, not the way i wanted things to go. needless to say, i was exhausted when I got home. I don't know if this is the doings of my medication, but i feel like a crazy women. I don't know anymore. My abs are sore as hell, all i can do is eat and sleep, all in all, not a very good day. Now to study for finals and stop bitching.
Posted by
ScarletLovesRufio
,
1/11/10
7:54 PM
Shitty camera phones, fun doodling session
I love her hair and glasses
Aging beautifully,
enough said
So, I'm updating, so you know what that means,
yeah I'm not feeling well again.
I started my period today, so all my hormones are back to "normal"
in conclusion, all the new found happiness was just a hoax.
I'm okay with that, it was nice while it lasted.
Iv'e recently finished this novel called Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto,
and I'm really just in love with her work.
She puts death into a new perspective and it's so damn beautiful
"I realized that that the world did not exist for my benefit, It followed that the ratio of pleasant and unpleasant things around me would not change. It wasn't up to me."
Time to go to Barnes and nobles to get more of her books. harah!
Today I had coffee
and I went to sleep soon after,
the whole time I was sleeping, thoughts were swirling at an infinite speed
each thought colliding into each other, random bursts of colors
thoughts after thoughts, things i need to do, consumed into a vortex i call my mind
When I woke up, i realized all those thoughts were nothing. just thoughts, it was interesting
My jaw hurts from clenching it so much throughout the day.
