FUCK SLEEPING
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/31/09 1:38 AM
PEOPLE WHO SLEEP SUCK
just kidding, i just wish someone would stay up with me, thats all.
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1 comments
not often
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/30/09 11:02 PM
lately, i've been wanting an asain guy- yeah i know shocker
the nice swagger has been catching my eye more frequently
the hat, street clothing, nikes, half cabs, whatever-
i want one. preferably muscular and taller than me
a good looking face wouldn't hurt
but a girl that looks like me has no say in what she gets
gettem as they come.
nawwmeannnnnnnnnnnn
oh oh oh
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/29/09 11:13 PM
i want to dye my hair jet black, but i also want it to be healthy so i can dye it platinum blonde.
i want to meet zulfikar
I want to be heavily peirced and tattooed with the approval of my parents
i want toms.
i want a bra that makes my boob look like the boobs of a porn star
i want more money
i want stores to have things that are actually worth spending money on.
i want to start a form spring but i dont think people think that im interesting enough to ask questions.
i want to draw, and design clothe all day.
i want to finish my supplement for boston.
i want sex. but not really
i want to be skinny and tall.
i want someone to take pictures of me, instead of the other way around
i want to be beautiful in someones eyes.
i want someone to sleep with. just sleep. do not touch me, do not talk just be there. (i should just get a corpse)
i want to be happy.
Spanish HOmework
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio 12:42 AM
Sex. it's everywhere.
at least in my head.
lately I've been contemplating whether or not I am mentally prepared for sex.
My body, has announced that I am indeed ready for sex.
Periods, hormones, and so much more indicate that I am a women, therefore am ultimately put on this earth to reproduce. and in order to reproduce I must sex men for there sperm.
BUT I don't think that I am mentally equipped for fornicating.
Growing up in a religious home, i was told that sex is something you save till marriage.
It's sacred, the best gift you can give to anyone. But this corrupt corrupt world tells me that sex is awesome. Skin on skin contact, heavy breathing, touching, licking, sucking, all apart of the great mission to have an orgasm. What's better than instant gratification with the best physical happiness that a human being can experience?!
What's stopping me?
the regret that the person i let inside of me me (both physically and mentally) will not live up to my twisted expectations. A friend once told me that she lost her virginity in her car with a black guy she only just met. I was at shocked at first, but then she explained her point of view, "Nothing is going to live up to our expectations for our first time so i figured i'd just get it over with" - smart enough, but i don't think i can get myself to do that. FUCK YOU RELIGION AND CONSCIENCE.
only value the opnion of those you respect
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/27/09 3:23 PM
AVATAR MARATHON!?
BEST DAY EVER!
Sounding Cliche
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio 12:19 AM
Lately i've been sounding cliche
talking about everything being my last
and telling people that i would very much like to die
and not actually doing it.
At this point i think the very few people that know are thinking its a hoax
well, i can gaurentee this, It will happen
I'm just trying to figure it out that's all
Sounds like an excuse but that's all i have right now
On a lighter note.
I went shopping with Kathleen and Michelle today at Victoria Gardens
first ate at the Corner Bakery, Shopped, Kat Lost her Phone, Shopped, the end
so many pretty dresses, but i really don't have the figure for it.
SO EAT LESS SMOKE MORE
Oh and Omar Brought me Gatorade.
That boyy!
last christmas, so i'll give you my heart
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/25/09 10:54 PM
i would very much like today to be my last Christmas
i don't mean to be dramatic
I'm actually content
so that's why i want this to be the last,
no disappointments, no expectations
just being content
Christmas can Suck It
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/24/09 10:42 PM
My older brother is making it incredibly hard for me to stay in my numb mind set
with bad singing, random dancing, and other shinanagins,
one side of me want him to stop making me "happy" but the other side
is enjoying the change of mind set
my body and mind worked together
to sabotage me last night
my mind producing harrowing nightmares
while my body exerting exhaustion
not letting me wake up
didn't see that coming
sore
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/23/09 8:25 PM
living for distractions.
today was a good distraction
i appreciate kathleen and my brother
because they help me escape for a little while
but behold the night has come again
will it rapture me in it's merciless wrath
or will my exhaustion get to my brain first?
the battle is on, who will cross the finish line first
2009 nine, you have almost defeated me.
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/22/09 10:59 PM
I want to take the time to tell the few people i care about, how much they mean to me. so here it goes, forgive my crappy writing skills.
Kathleen Tung- I FUCKING LOVE YOU. I can honestly say that you're my best friend, and it scares me a lot to know that one person has that much of my heart. We've becoming so close, and i find that so weird, because we are so different. You are hands down the most happiest person i know, and i don't know how you do it. You burst into people's lives with so much love and you don't expect them to love you back,you love selflessy and i love that about you. I'm dependent on you like i am on sun and air, I don't think about needing it every second, but i need it, and when i do think about it, i appreciate it so much. I've depended on too many people like a drug, always thinking about them, needing them and when they left, they killed apart of me, but with you, your probably my only healthy friendship. I'm going to be honest, I don't tell you everything that I'm going through because I don't ever want to see you sad. I have too many fucked up things in my mind that if i told you them I know that you would be sad, and that's just wrong. I have no doubt in my mind that you would understand, because you are pragmatic, but that's not the point. I refuse to see you sad over something as stupid as me. You are the reasoning in my head, you are the one that helps me figure things out, and when i'm with you i forget about my thoughts, and that means the world to me. I'll admit I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, but i know that even if we lose contact that the day we see each other again, it's going to be like we never left :). I love every moment we have together, I love that you understand me through my laughing and shreking when others find it absurd, I love how you get me so well. I'd give my life for you (not that it's worth alot LOL) I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SLUTTTT ;)
Ilani Umel- Honestly, never in a million years, did i think that we would get this close in the course of the year. Going out after dark and just talking has helped me figure out alot. BREAKFAST CLUB 4EVA NIGGA. haha. It's amazing how much we've been through, broken hearts, car accidents, and so much other crap, but that's what made us closer. I love that you understand that it's hard for me to relate, and you just let me be and talk and sort things out, but i honestly love listening to you talk about your problems, because you provide me distractions and somewhat make me feel like i'm needed, in a sense. i have no doubt in my mind that you're going to be an inspiration to the world.
Eric Sung- Holy shit. You've made me laugh so many times and reminded me that i can laugh. Being the Koreans that we are, were pretty bad at expressing our emotions, but being that were both korean i think we understand that we have a mutal love for each other. I know you don't understand most of the things in my head, because you believe what you believe but i'm glad that you're tolerant of my beliefs. I think its so funny how aggressive you are towards my happiness, but i know that's how you show that you care. I truly appreciate how much you want me to be happy.
Brother- Yesterday was epic. Thank you so much for understanding. You are the one person i trust with all the scary thoughts in my head, and you understand. I love that we both grew up in the same fucked up family that we have a bond we have to share, whether we want it or not. when you're home, i get a sense of peace because you seem to know all the answers and you keep me sane. You are the stability in my life. from the bottom of my heart, i want to tell you how much i appreciate how much you care about me. You are the one person that has come through for me without even knowing it.Thank you for being there when i was drugged out and having a horrible trip. Thank you for not letting me kill myself yesterday, because if it wasn't for you, i would have done it. Thank you for letting me lay in your bed while you talked, thank you for distracting me with movies, even when you were exhausted. Thank you for bringing me food, because i was too tired to even get out of your bed. Thank you for being there when i was at my breaking point. Yesterday was so hard, because i wanted nothing more than to just die but you didn't let me give up. At first i regretted telling you because you didn't let me die, i still don't quite know why you didn't let me die, but i know it's good for me (obviously). If anything, i'm living to try out the road to recovery, but in my honesty opinion, i think it's too late for me. But i'm going to try one last time, for you and me both.
i'm tired. so i'll finish later, maybe not.
one day at a time
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio 9:11 PM
after a confessional to my brother, he told me i need to take it one day at a time
being dissapointed that i woke up this morning may not seem like a good thing
but the fact that i felt dissapointed is pretty impressive
my brother says that in order to get better
i need to get out of my stage of numbness
and hurt all over again
i told him i don't have the energy to do so
but he says i have to
so today
i'm trying
im exhausted after simple things like walking around and trying to socialize
if it weren't for my brother
i don't know if i would be writing this post
chaos theory
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/21/09 7:54 PM
Today i went to the hospital and the doctor prescribed me anti-depressent meds. which made me do a silly thing and hope. it seemed to be going great but the day wasn't over.
-On the way to the air port to pick up my brother, the other cars wouldn't let me merge so i ended up wasting time and going thru another route.
-my car ended up smelling like skunk and peaches, which gave me a head ache
-went to pick up my meds and my insurance denied my meds, because i had to have another med before that.
-my uncle came to visit and the first thing he did was hit my on the arm and said wow in disgust. i guess playing water polo doesn't help keep a feminine physic.
and my day is yet to be done. my prediction for the rest of the night? My family birthday dinner, which was dependent on my brother being present, will end up being horrific, all the attention going to my brother and me, of course ignored. i forget to stop hoping for good things to happen when my birthday is involved. silly silly me.
I am _____. emotions don't seem to faze me, but damn do you know how crappy it feels to be tormented for four years, and finally, given hope, but that gets taken away from you in an instant? I was holding out for this day. I don't know anymore. Theres not hope, God is cruel.
You missed an epic morning because you were sleeping
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/19/09 10:23 AM
For the past few Saturdays i've been avoiding going to art, and instead have spent my time at coffee places. First it was Starbucks, now it's the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. There are so many interesting people lurking around in the wee hours of the morning. I'd tell you all about the people in starbucks, but im barely managing to type out theses words with my jittering hands. So back to the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, right now, there are a gang of middle aged bikers, all in matching outfits, skin tight shorts and a bad ass biking shirt that says "wheeler 2 dealer bicycles." When they entered the shop, i was confused at first, because theres a Jamba juice next door, so i just naturally put two and two together- Bikers=Healthy=Jamba juice. But no, they are here. There are about ten men, im assuming ranging from the age group of Early thirties to late fifties, and a woman in the midst of the testosterone. what a sight. what a sight.
Rodarte comes out tommorow. but im going to check today. just in case
let me tell you about these moments of veritgo ive been having.
At one moment im in the present. Stable. Talking and just being,
then im in a time warp continual but only for a second and when i come back
im Not where i started. Im closer, maybe a few feet closer, but im not where i was and
im not. im not
That Fuzzy Feeling
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/18/09 8:40 PM
all the moments of being able to feel anything are gone
at the end of each day, i feel so god damn empty
so i'll mix up my concocsion
and hope that it will quiet all my thoughts
and help me forget why i was so empty in the first place
I'll go into this hoping that when i wake up i won't remember a thing
and it hasn't failed me yet, it hasn't failed me yet
coffee bean and tea leaf
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/16/09 9:23 PM
I feel so empty
I need to feel something
I thought i was okay with the emptiness
maybe this is the very small human side of me
resisting the death that i have succumbed to
Why can't i just give in
why must this side fight?
My life would be so much easier
i feel so goddam empty and im not okay with it
I forgot to update last night
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/15/09 4:08 PM
the best christmas present would be a bottle of hard liquor and nyquil
or sleeping meds.
my writing is simple
I write how i feel,
None of that shit
with words that people have to look up
unless, i'm feeling that way of course
yesterday, i had an opportunity to kiss a very attractive guy
yet, i didn't
i should have but
i did not.
Then he kissed another girl.
Lately, my emotions have been extremely mixed up
and the people i used to rely on
don't seem to be there.
Talk shit and you will get burned
veritas lux mea
the truth will enlighten me
I hate that i haven't had my birthday money given to me yet
so i need to rely on my dad for christmas shopping money
which he keeps on forgetting,
it must run in the family.
Time time time
just friends.
i don't know anymore.
the end
starry night
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/13/09 11:15 PM
One thing i hope to never find out is how stars work. In the words of a friend " Anything that we want that we CAN have we don't end up wanting for long because we get it" and i don't ever want to look up at the sky at night and not have a feeling of awe. This is one thing i am okay with being ignorant about.
Discovering that the person that you revered is just as human as you are sucks.
I just don't want to end up living for an impossible dream.
i wished i went to the obey sale
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio 12:04 AM
Lesson for the day.
Take things apart, question things, and maybe you'll find that it's not as great as you thought it was.
in conclusion life sucks.
LAUGH OUT LOUD
turkeys drowning in the rain
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/12/09 3:47 PM
The sky must be really sad because it's been raining all day.
It's okay sky, i know how you feel.
but dry up all those tears
because the world is cruel
and it's not worth crying over
exclusive love
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/11/09 8:35 PM
new year, new changes
this year, i have decided to limit my love, i will no longer extend my love to just anyone, and i will be taking back my love from alot of people. I will be cautious with my heart and always double check, no triple check, before i give anyone apart of me. I need to take care of myself now. If this makes me heartless, than be it. fuck all you haters, this is me standing up for myself.
a shot of vodka and a dose of nyquil help keep the monsters away at night
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/10/09 5:17 PM
i did not know i could ever HURT this much
Day 1
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/9/09 2:43 PM
i'm done with ranting, i just needed that one day. now that i'm 18, maybe my blog will be filled with less complaining, and more realizations? ha, let's not get our hopes up.
true colors
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/8/09 3:47 PM
today was my 18th birthday
Today IS my 18th birthday
i am dehydrated from crying
i tried going into it without any hope or expectations
but that failed miserably
the problem with today was i went into it with some kind of hope, and totally forgot that people dissapoint. i completely lost it at lunch and broke down and called my mom crying, begging her if i could come home, because i could not take it anymore.
i came home to my mom yelling and we totally lost it. There was so much anger and confusion in the room and when i told her that i haven't been happy in the past 4 years and that i was planning on killing myself this year, she too, completely lost it. She shook my body and ran to the kitchen to get a knife and told me that we could die together. She looked so sad, and i wanted to kill myself because i knew that i had done that to her. I wish she could have understood that she had nothing to do with my sadness, i was just messed up. She said that she was so sad to see my sad and thats when i knew that my mom wasn't as heartless as i thought she was. but yet, i still could not feel anything. i just felt sad. Finally we concluded that i needed help, she called my doctor and so im going to see a phychologist, and maybe even check myself into a hospital to learn how to deal with everything.
Quite honestly, Kathleen tung is probably the only reason why i didn't drive my car into a pole or a wall as i was driving home from school. She is the reason why i didn't completely go insane. I love her so much. She is my wall and i can't thank her enough for just being there.
I was hoping my close friends that i have been with for 3 years + would have actually tried to do anything for me, so to them i say fuck you. i know i shouldn't have expected anything but i was truley hurt today. to everyone else, thanks for the birthday wishes.
Taken on December 7th. 2009 11:59 P.M.
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio 12:02 AM
"Do something illegal before you turn 18"
Pukeing
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/7/09 6:30 PM
It's cold and raining. I despise the rain.
After school i entered my home and began to strip down until my bra.
i ran upstairs in hopes of finding some warm clothe. it was quite liberating.
After finding shelter in my warm DRY clothing, i got my laptop and sat right infront of my heater
and did useless things, after that i cuddled up in my blanket and slept. bliss.
I had, for the first time in a long ass time, a wonderful dream. It was just right.
I then woke up in a happy state, but then i realized that the dream was not real
that realization was so dreadful that my heart felt like it literally broke.
dreadful dreadful dreadful. then i proceeded to eat dinner, with a feeling of wanting to puke,
dreading my birthday of course, I need to remember to not expect anything but each year
i stupidly hope for the best, so this year. i will stand by my word and not expect anything.
but, i why do i still feel like pukeing?
Looking Back
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/6/09 7:16 PM
Dear _____,
First and for most i want to apologize. You were a great friend, probably better than i could possibly ever ask for. You were funny, vivacious and complicated. You were everything i wanted to be. You were perfect in your insecurities, and i was so jealous. So whenever i had the chance, i would bring you down, in hopes that you would be as miserable as i was. Yet, you tolerated my shit for such a long time, you listened when i needed to be listened to, you talked to me when i needed to be talked to. You kept me in check. I wish i could explain to you why i was so mean at the last part of our friendship, but that would just be making up excuses. In no way can my actions be justified, so asking for your forgiveness is such a long shot. In my days of therapy i had to reopen old wounds and find out how and why i had ended up in that pathetic state, and quite honestly i resented you for not understanding, when you said we would be friends forever. But now i understand that a person can only tolerate so much, before they have to put themselves before anyone. as years went on, i still resented you and your whole group, but now i'm learning. It was good being able to talk to you this year, and i hope that everything works out for you, because you deserve it. im sorry, and thank you for everything.
Comment Moderation
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio 12:47 AM
I need to stop smoking, but how will i deal with drunken people?or anything for that matter.
did you watch
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/5/09 3:22 PM
To jump into the water head first/ testing the waters with your toes
last night consisted of taking care of drunk friends and going to a part that was a bust, i think my hair is permanetly going to smell like stoges, but i don't mind. reminds me of comfort. i didn't find the party and crazy friends nerve wracking or dangerous, but the texts i was recieveing, it felt like i was being tested the whole time. I refuse to be the rebound girl. i'm tired from the RVCA sale today, not much there, hopefully obey will be better. I only have 80 bucks left from the 200 that i had, bleh
5 days!
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/3/09 11:29 PM
it's been five days since my last stoge and i had a mini nervous breakdown after talking to kevin. so i was craving one pretty badly.
theres nothing like having a stoge in the 40 degree whether
it's like a mini orgasm in your mouth
i don't know what the point of this post is because i don't know how i'm feeling right now and it's weird. i'm extremely calm and i don't like it, no scratch that i am antsy and full of anxiety but strangely calm. it's weird as hell. meh meh meh
full sentences
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/2/09 7:37 PM
i know you feel it too, it feels too untrue.
I don't know what's wrong with my mother lately. She seems more moody than usual, i honestly think that the women in my family are all messed up. Both physically and mentally. We are very emotionally unstable. We're like ticking time bombs ready to explode without a seconds warning.
tick tock tick tock.
i am at the hub cafe right now and i am drinking tea, listening to music, waiting for it to be 8 50 ish so i can go home. I woke up too late to go to fine arts, so i told my mother that i was going to graphic arts, but i don't want to, so i wont. I'm not going to be sleeping tonight, and i forgot my sketchbook at art so i don't know what i'm going to do. Sleeping at night is so hard, and not to mention really really boring. I hate wasting the night life that i love so much, but theres not much to do in the suburbs at 2 in the morning, so i geuss i'll have to deal until college rolls around. just counting down the days!
RVCA shopping this saturday, can not wait hehe :)
i need to start working out frewuently, or smoke more, i dont know
stream of concious adfsldfjlsfasnadcanln
It's a funny thing
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 12/1/09 9:24 PM
it's suppose to remind you of a gloomy day, looking at a telephone wire.
after breaking down and crying , something i haven't done in a long time, to cheryl at starbucks i felt better. i managed to draw something that wasn't totally shit, just to find out that it's too small, just fantastic. there's no point in finishing it now. and i talked to an old friend. nice to catch up. hope things go better for you
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