Crystal Meth Kim

Today IS my 18th birthday

i am dehydrated from crying

i tried going into it without any hope or expectations

but that failed miserably

the problem with today was i went into it with some kind of hope, and totally forgot that people dissapoint. i completely lost it at lunch and broke down and called my mom crying, begging her if i could come home, because i could not take it anymore.

i came home to my mom yelling and we totally lost it. There was so much anger and confusion in the room and when i told her that i haven't been happy in the past 4 years and that i was planning on killing myself this year, she too, completely lost it. She shook my body and ran to the kitchen to get a knife and told me that we could die together. She looked so sad, and i wanted to kill myself because i knew that i had done that to her. I wish she could have understood that she had nothing to do with my sadness, i was just messed up. She said that she was so sad to see my sad and thats when i knew that my mom wasn't as heartless as i thought she was. but yet, i still could not feel anything. i just felt sad. Finally we concluded that i needed help, she called my doctor and so im going to see a phychologist, and maybe even check myself into a hospital to learn how to deal with everything.

Quite honestly, Kathleen tung is probably the only reason why i didn't drive my car into a pole or a wall as i was driving home from school. She is the reason why i didn't completely go insane. I love her so much. She is my wall and i can't thank her enough for just being there.

I was hoping my close friends that i have been with for 3 years + would have actually tried to do anything for me, so to them i say fuck you. i know i shouldn't have expected anything but i was truley hurt today. to everyone else, thanks for the birthday wishes.