something personal
Posted by ScarletLovesRufio , 7/14/10 10:30 PM
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Brother of mine,
i've been feeling like the biggest failure ever. i got into a fender bender, got a ticket and i felt like i was robbing mom and dad because of winter formal. i feel so bad that they have to take responsibility for me when i don't deserve it. but when i go i'll make sure i'll pay them back. i want to sell the little i do have and leave it for them. i dont want a funeral. i just want to be forgotten. i keep on getting bad grades and i know it's my fault but i honestly can not concentrate. i've been taking adderall just to finish my art because i can't bring myself to do anything lately. I'm so tired of being a disappointment i just want to see mom and dad proud of me like they are of you. i am the child that they can not brag about yet they still love me. i don't deserve any love and it just breaks my heart to see them hurt. I feel like constantly throwing up when i see all my flaws. i'm discouraged to say the least. psychologists, psychiatrists doctors arentl really helping. after this, if it doesn't work i think thats when ill say my good byes.
2/8/10
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Ilani,i feel like shit, i have random impulses to shop and destroy. i feel like shit my brain is going hay wire but then i'm calm.
3/1/10
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dear zarina kira leviste
i have this insaitable need to kill myself. i need it. i need the peace that it promises. i am so incredibly sad but i can't seem to leave the world just yet. o;m so glad we got to know each other this year. i love you.
2/1/10
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my dearest brother,
i can not begin to tell you how insane i have been feeling.it's a new kind of crazy. it use to be my head overwhelened with toughts but now i am compeltely empty. the presence of my depression is still there but i cnat feel it. it's completely blocked out but it's still there. mu thoughts of suicide are way more frequent. my thoughts use to be fleeting but now there longer lasting. every single elevated surface i see, i just want to make a noose and hang myself on it. ever moving vehicle i see, i want to jump in front of. i have extreme urges to get a knife and stab myself in the head chest or let just so i can feel normal. im so consumed and intruged by suicide. i go on websites and research suicides and it seems right. it bring me peace and it gives me howpe. the one thing that's keeping me going os the fact that i don't know what the after life has to offer, being raised in a godly home, i have embeded in my head that god is whats int eh after life. i wan tot believe that theres nothing afther this, i want o believe that my soul will fially get some rest. but the though of god being there agter im dead scares me. so until im certain of what lies ahead or if i get too sad. i'll be here dying everyday insdie.
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mommy
maybe it was the subject at hand that was making me feel this way
but then again, i always feel this way
I don't want to go back to where i was.
I don't.
But as i woke up this morning, i woke up sad.
I didn't want to get up
Usually i wake up with an eased mind
My mind erasing anything and everything that wasn't good
but not this morning.
I just didn't want to get up
i wanted to sleep my day away
but i won't
My grandparents are coming today
i love my grandparents
they know my flaws but
they just love me unconditionally
that's how i want to love someone
that would be nice
i like to drink
not alcohol.
that't not my poison of choice
i like to drink water, tea, anything that's not too sweet
yes, yes i do.
i do i do i do
So to the avid readers (Har har) know that I am bi polar and crazy. i recently found my letters i wrote when i was in a manic state to various people, and i thought id share them... readers be advised that these are scary, and i'm okay now.
I'm glad you are okay now